“I want, he wants, but what does baby NEED: Inside the mind of a former single mother.”
Source: Extension.org
Being on the outside looking in, it’s easy for folks to wonder why people in unhealthy relationships have babies. Having a baby with someone you’re in an unhealthy relationship with and thinking the baby will solve your relationship problems is about as stupid as thinking that moving into a bigger house is going to solve your hoarding problems. You’re just creating more space and opportunity for problems to exist. Though parenthood is rewarding, it creates more obstacles in relationships/marriages than most people realize. If you don’t get along with your significant other now, how is it you think you’ll be able to come to agreements and make sound decisions regarding another human being later? Sounds simple right?? But when you’re young, immature, and you think you’re in love, these are things you don’t think about and/or fully understand.
Jaded by unrealistic expectations, you continue with the pregnancy and have the baby, despite warnings from your loved ones. After the verbal and emotional abuse turn to physical abuse, the infidelity continues, and the arguments/disagreements occur more frequently, you realize those unrealistic expectations you had for after the baby arrived have not and will not come to fruition. Now you’re stuck in a co-parenting nightmare for the next 18 years. Being a first time parent, you become overly protective of this tiny person you are responsible for. You love this tiny being more than you ever could have imagined and you have no desire to trust him/her in the hands of this person you despise.
The more unfortunate mothers are the ones that are left to raise the child on their own with no help from the father; but in this piece, I’d like to focus on the co-parenting mothers. So now you have two feuding adults in an unhealthy relationship; and that unhealthy relationship turns to a power struggle over which parent has the child more often and who is the better parent. Not only do you have to deal with constant arguments/disagreements with the other parent, you also have to deal with all the “Super-Dad” supporters. You know the folks on the sidelines that swear they’re experts on parenting but they’re oblivious to all you go through financially, mentally, and emotionally as a single mother.
Many people feel they have the right to speak on what single mothers should and should not do and how single mothers should or should not feel when they’ve never experienced what it’s like to be a single mother. Also for some reason, a lot of people think that single fathers are entitled to some type of reward just for taking care of their kids; whereas mothers are just expected to automatically take care of their kids and being rewarded is unheard of. This is why I call them the “Super-Dad” supporters. Dad occasionally spends time with his child, feeds and clothes his child (you know all the same things that mom does on a regular basis), and all of a sudden he’s “Daddy of the Year.” Now don’t get me wrong, it is a wonderful thing to see a man doing what he’s supposed to do and taking care of his kid. But that’s just what it is; he’s doing what he’s SUPPOSED to do. You don’t get a pat on the back every time you do what you’re SUPPOSED to be doing. To a lot of single mothers it seems as though fathers have a choice in whether or not to take care of their kids and the responsibility lies more heavily on the mother. Unfortunately for a lot of families, this is true.
I get so tired of hearing people say that a woman is using her child as pawn because she wants to be with the father. I’m sure for some women this is true, but no one ever mentions the fact that maybe the mother just thinks the father is an imbecile and incapable of properly taking care of the child on his own. Now though most times this isn’t true, it’s human nature to want to protect your child from anyone or anything you may perceive as a threat. The most challenging part of co-parenting is accepting the fact that no one is going to care for your child the same way you are. But just because their way is different doesn’t mean it’s not as good. I’m sure there are many fathers out there that are more than capable of properly caring for their children; but if you mistreat the mother of your children, how is it that you think she won’t automatically assume that you may mistreat the children as well?
When you don’t like or trust a person, it’s human nature to feel uncomfortable leaving your pride & joy with him/her. It doesn’t matter that this person is the father of your child. If you don’t trust him or have respect for him, your first instinct will be to keep your child as far away from him as possible. This is especially true once you start finding out that he’s doing questionable things like having your child around different women constantly, leaving your child with people you don’t know, smoking black & milds in front of your child, or doing anything different from what you would consider appropriate. Now although you feel you are protecting your child and doing what’s best for him/her; you have to stop and ask yourself, “Is it really best for my child to be kept from seeing his/her father?”
It took me going through a series of events to come to this realization. It began one day with my daughter’s father not allowing me to pick her up at the normal designated time. I went to pick her up and he would not give her to me. It was the worst feeling in the world. I had no idea what his intentions were. I didn’t know if he was trying to kidnap her or if I’d ever see her again. All I could think about was how I could ever go on living without my babygirl. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest! I couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how her father felt when she was a newborn and I was too scared to let her go with him. It was a terrible feeling being denied access to my baby; a feeling I couldn’t wait to be over and I NEVER wanted to experience again. After a day, her father was done being spiteful and gave her back to me. But instead of never letting him see her again after that stunt, I promised him that I would never keep her from him again as long as he promised to do the same. It was rare that I kept my daughter from her father, but I did do a lot to try to deter him from wanting to see her. And it wasn’t even that I wanted to make his life a living hell or I wanted to deprive him of the joy of bonding with her. It was simply that I felt I was doing a better job of caring for her and I hated constantly worrying about her while she was with him.
The next event was a co-parenting class we were both required to attend. I went into the class with an open mind because I truly wanted to learn better ways of dealing with my daughters father and I wanted all of the arguments and disagreements to end. What I took from the class was a hard pill to swallow; it was the fact that I cannot control what goes on in the other parents household when my daughter is there. I may disagree with some of his parenting techniques but as long as my daughter is safe, comes home in one piece, and has a good time while she’s with him, I can’t worry myself to death trying to control what goes on in his household just like he can’t control what goes on in my household.
The final event that really brought everything full circle for me was meeting the love of my life and marrying him 3 years later. Not only did spending time with my then boyfriend, now husband, take my mind off of worrying and missing my daughter when she wasn’t with me, it helped me learn to appreciate the free time I had to date and take better care of myself. My husband’s love, support, and wisdom has been extremely instrumental in helping me develop a more healthy co-parenting relationship with my daughter’s father.
Becoming a better supporter of my daughter’s relationship with her father has not only benefitted me; it has been beneficial to my daughter as well. She looks forward to speaking with her father on the phone and going to visit him on a regular basis. She also sees that her father and I are more cordial now and she no longer gets nervous about the pick-ups and drop-offs. I grew up without a father or a grandfather, but growing up it seemed to be something that didn’t affect me much. I never knew the feeling of actually having a father so I didn’t have anything or anyone to miss. It wasn’t until I became an adult that I was able to look back and realize how not having the presence of a father figure truly impacted my life, from my relationships with men to my feelings of self-worth. There are plenty of successful, happy, and confident adults that have been raised by a single mother…I am one of them. But I can’t say that I’ve always been as happy and confident as I am today. It took me overcoming a lot of trials and tribulations, self-reflection, soul-searching, and making deliberate changes in the way I treated others and the way I allowed others to treat me in order for me to form healthy relationships and be happy. I can’t help but wonder if I could have avoided some of those painful experiences and unhappy years of my life had I grown up having all the love, support, and advice that a good father has to offer.
Today I am proud and truly blessed to be able to say that my daughter not only has one but TWO dads and TWO granddads that love her. I am beyond grateful that my daughter will not be deprived of that daddy-daughter experience and abandoned by her father the way myself and so many other black youth are today. I know that I cannot shield my daughter from everything; I can only pray that having the love and guidance from my husband and her father will make her more equipped to face the challenges she will encounter growing up as a black female in today’s society.
It is not my intention to degrade or demean single fathers and/or single fatherhood in this piece. I am simply attempting to open your minds to some of the challenges single mothers face when it comes to co-parenting. But I want to challenge single mothers to put aside your fears and your emotional baggage and stop and ask yourself, “Is it really best for my child to be kept from seeing his/her father?” I also want to challenge single fathers to remember that women are emotional beings. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” and there is no wrath greater than that of a female trying to protect her offspring. The greatest gift you can give a child is to treat the other parent with some respect. You don’t have to like the other parent, but it won’t cost you anything to be cordial and considerate. You both think you’re doing what’s best for the child by trying to take over the parenting when, in reality, what you’re doing is more detrimental than beneficial to your children. Both sons and daughters need their fathers as much as they need their mothers. I hope that sharing my story will help other single parents out there form healthy relationships with their co-parents and keep what’s best for the child at the forefront of those relationships.
